Kesh Kartanaalaya Chronicles (किस्से Hair Cut के)

Chik-Chik-Chik... Tachik
Chik-chik-chik-chik ...- Khachik
Chik-chik-chik-chik ...- Khachik

Kainchi- scissors ki ye repetitive awaaz kareeb 5-7 minute chalti thi.

"Hilna mat varna kaan cut jayega" Nashe se laal aankhein liye jab naayi kehta tha to lakdi ke phatte par 6-7 saal ki nanhi si nicker band tashreef tak jhurjhuri si daudh jaati thi.

2 mahiney mein ek baar honey waali 'cutting' ka ek wo hissa hota tha jab naayi apne ustarey ko geeley chamde par ghis kar meri taraf maano slow motion mein badh raha hota tha. Desi Ustarey ka is tarah saamna karne ke liye ek taraf mann hi mann khud ko veerta puraskaar diye jaatey they, doosri taraf kaan aur gardan par चीतकारक (scream inducing), हृदयविस्फोटक (heart exploding),
असहनीय (unbearable) gudgudi hoti thi. Naana, parnaana sab yaad aa jaate they. Ab 6 ya 7 saal ki umra naayi ki maan aur behan ko yaad karne ki umra to hoti nahin hai!

Background mein boodhey radio par puraaney manhoos se gaaney chalte they.
“Kallan ki lugaayi ke mauda huo” (Mr Kallan’s wife has delivered a boy – or words to that effect) - Mrs Nai (नाईन ?) parde ke peechhe se kuchh to bhi announcement karti thi. Like a true professional immersed in his work, Mr Darua naayi mere baalon se saney face par beedi ka dhuuan dhakelte huey sirf “hmmmmm” ki hunkaar bhar deta tha.

Meanwhile, Cheating karte pakde gaye ladke ki tarah kisi tarah bina hiley, kasmasaatey se aapke bhai ne zindagi mein wo kathin padaav bhi kayi baar paar kiya. Uske baad har baar jale par namak ko charitaarth – exemplify kartey huey naayi thande haathon se fitkari ka paththar laga deta. Aur phir chubhte huey baalon bhari shirt pehne ghar tak ka cycle ka safar jaise nark ka trailer. Lets just say I am counting all these occasions as having had an adventurous life.

Agle 2-3 din us katora cut hajaamat ko lekar doston mein jo live chheenta-kashi chhedh-chhaadh (teasing) chalti thi usey hi aaj kal 'bullying’, ‘body-shaming’ jaise tamgon se sajaaya gaya hai. Naam naya, paap wahi.
Khair, 2 Rupayee waali hajaamat se expect bhi kya keejiye?

Jab teenage ke parr Iagaakar kachchi umra waali aashiqui ki udaan bharni chaahi to Aamir- Salman ki tasveeron waale "Hair cutting salon" par dhyaan gaya.
"Personality mein to apan bhi hero hi hain, bas baal set kar do boss" waale bhaav lekar gaye to sahi lekin nikle phir wahi mundu se ban kar. In hind sight, us Mithun se jhabre baalon waale hajaam ko dekh kar hi samajh jaana chahiye tha ki he was like a Junior Doctor. Deewaron par lagey poster uske liye medicine ke latest journals ki tarah they – handiwork of best in trade. And he was practising the latest trends on his subject - me ! Uske is experiment ki keemat - teen guna lagaan - yaani 7.50 Rupaye.

Aise kuchch experimental saalon ke baad, chhote sheher ke iss chhore ne hichkichaate huey Delhi ke ek decent se "Debonaire Men's Parlour" mein kadam rakha.
Aaiye aapko khaaka kheench doon or as they say - Let me paint you a picture. Badhiya AC yukta room, side mein cable TV – a novelty back then, sofa-susajjit, saaf suthre almost bhavya se bhavan mein Safed coat pehne ‘hair stylists’ ‘clients’ ko full courtsey se ‘serve’ karte huey. Gone were the days of paan chabaate, beedi phoonkte badboo waale naayis. Lekin rate list mein ‘gents cut only’ ke 30 Rupaye par nazar padhi to turant aatma ki aawaaz aayi – “beta nikal le yahaan se, teri ghani, reshmi zulfein abhi itni bhi keemti nahin hui hain"

Thanks to Sanju baba's khalnaayak, Yalgaar type roles and of course the new boy in B-town Shahrukh Khan, her rikshey waala lambey baal rakh raha tha. Yaani, if I played my cards right, 2-3 mahiney just another wannabe SRK ban kar baal na katwaata to "Debonaire Men's Parlour" was back on the table!

There I was 4 months later, sitting all mantra mugdh, mesmerized by the shiny branded bottles of hair-gels, after shaves, taking in the talc of Lakme and imagining that blow dryer blowing on my head. Har graahak ki gardan ko naya topaz blade allot ho raha tha, aadha hi sahi.

"Sir aapki lassi abhi lenge ya hair wash ke baad " – haav, bhaav aur taav se head stylist lagne waale ne Baniyaan pehne, baalon par mehendi lagaaye, Ganesh sa lambodar liye (pot bellied) ek uncle se poochha. Uncle ne Mamta Kulkarni waali Stardust se nazar hataaye bina bas haath badha diya. Doosri baaju par doosra doctor-coat waala naayi mukke maar-maar kar shaayad apna koi gham galat kar raha tha.
Wah! kya hospitality hai!!

Kuchh der baad pata chala, mehendi, massage, lassi aur tip milaakar lambodar uncle 375 ka chadhaawa chadhaa gaye!

Aaj, kareeb 20 saal baad, baalon mein ek taraf safedi ke saath chhupan chhupaayi chalti hai doosri taraf eeshwar se yaachna ki kaale safed jaise bhi ho, tera haath mere baalon waale sar par hamesha bana rahe. Isliye hair cut ke liye jaana apne aap mein ek Vijay yatra – walk of victory si lagti hai ki ishwar ne itne baal to diye ki katwaane bhi padhte hain.

Kyonki nostalgia is the latest trend, main kabhi kabhi hair cut waali Kainchi ki “chik – chik – chik – Tachik” mein bhi memories dhoondh leta hoon. England ke ek chhote se shehar mein bina coat waale but well trained stylists se hair cut karwaate huey “weather is horrible” aur “are you doing much this weekend” type small talk karte huey daruey naayi ko bhi yaad kar leta hoon.
Pound ke hisaab se kareeb 1500 rupaye ki chapat ya haircut ke baad bhi shirt par na aane waale baal to nahin chubhte lekin radio par Vividh Bharti ki jagah bajta rap zaroor chubhta hai. Ye bhi khayaal aataa hai ki Kallan’s Mauda – that son of Mr Kallan, must be a grown up young man now.

Pad-dington Yes, Pad-maavat - No

"You break it, you own it" goes the slogan in a gift shop.

In a society where an actor playing God Ram in a TV serial almost expects being worshipped in real life is no big deal, a movie grandiosely depicting mass suicide in the name of honour definitely wouldn’t break anything now would it ? Of course it will be consumed and then casually pass by as just another work of fiction - without any damage to the nation's collective intellect.

Sure, I believe you – voice of liberal Indians. Particularly when in recent times there is no evidence of a work of fiction, e.g. a poem, causing any complications to people confusing real lives and values with a poet's imaginary account.

I did consider watching the movie and I would have taken my daughter along. (After all it is certified 12A ) I could have even pointed at Deepika’s character (one that shall not be named for fear of a certain be-karani sena) and did the thing that parents do – offer to her a larger than life role model.
“Be brave like her” I could have said, based on reviews, "be the best version of yourself", stealing a line from Lady Bug, “ be a good daughter, a good wife, a good …..''
"Be a good wife to a husband who picked me on the basis of my looks and was already married anyway, Dad?" - is the question she wouldn’t have asked because she is too young for that.

And of-course, there's the whole part about the movie being aptly ‘disclaimed’ as a word of fiction. (definition - to deny or repudiate interest in or connection with; disavow; disown i.e. not the maker’s responsibility if you want to believe it ).
So, don’t worry , no real people were harmed in the making, distribution or the release of this movie.

Of Course, she would have understood that! After all every one in India understands and believes and honours the written word – just as long as you know how to make it go viral on WhatsApp or facebook or twitter or behind a truck
("Horn Please" – so everyone does just that,
" OK'' - everything is always ok in India - as long as it doesn’t affect you,
"Tata'' - bye-bye, in case you are lying on the road and happen to have fought your rapists). People read, believe and follow every word, as long as its not something boring like the law.

At the end of the fictional tale then, if at all my daughter was to ask why all the women were eager to surrender themselves to the fire? Well I would have to bring out my master argument about the context then, wouldn't I?

“That's what the women then used to do, dear daughter - gave up on life for the sake of their men who, by the way, themselves weren't too keen on living and dying for one woman.”
I would have counted on her young age to not ask follow up questions like :
why did those women still bother to train themselves in warfare, archery etc as shown in the movie (once again, relying on some reviews here), like their men ?
Nor would she ask If mere expendable women of yore, did really make those bold claims of Rajput bravado as a proud race or even just strength of character as women.
More importantly, I hope she wouldn’t have questioned the basis of Padmaavati’s supposedly strong character if she never intended to use her skills or said strong character ? Where was her well rounded character when adversity struck and the time really came for putting mind over matter, brains over bodily disgust, survival over societal expectations ?

I’m pretty sure, she wouldn't have asked any of that. After all no one has and the movie has already earned crores of rupees and millions of pounds. Surely a major heap of this mountain of moolah must be coming from progressive women in India & abroad – and their educated husbands. If adult women & men can't make that connection between crowd pleasing tactics and unrelated, useless historical (sic) accuracy to flock (definition : a number of animals of one kind, especially sheep) to theatres, why would my young daughter have pondered about that?

I think Mr Bhansali as an esteemed producer, director of such great movies as Black and Guzaarish etc had a choice and he used it, rather shrewdly, to make a movie almost counting on the controversy to make it a hit. Even Deepika had choices and she clearly stated these in a very progressive advertisement a few years back. (No Ranveer didn’t have a choice, he pretty much has to do what Mr Bhansali tells him to otherwise we all know he can’t claim to be a serious actor. )

But even viewers have a choice – to prove themselves as shameless sheep, senselessly going for inferior cinema and hypocritically going on questioning gender inequalities on social media. Or the choice of thwarting propagation of a regressive narrative, one thats not at all contributing to a useful dialogue in society at large.

Last weekend, I used my choice of ignoring the so-so Padmaavat and instead watched a much better movie called Paddington with my daughter.

Khud ko Khulaa Patra (Open Letter to Self)

Ranjan Baabu, Khush to bohot hoge tum aaj - badhi badhi celebrities ki tarah tumhaare naam bhi kisi ne khulaa patra, open letter likha hai ! Khud tum ne hi sahi. That means you have arrived!

By the way agar samajh na aaya ho, that line above was meant as satire, you fool. Ye khulaa patra isi baare mein hai ki apna Raita sameto, or as they say - get your act together. For thats all you are right now - a boondi ka faila hua raita with no social status attached.
Apne aas paas dekho - log kahaan se kahaan pohonch gaye. Paisa, shohrat, badhi badhi companiyon mein oonchi oonchi positions. Aur tum ? I mean main ? No I think tum is better. Aur tum kahaan ho aaj ? Wahi iPhone to iPhone upgrade karke apne aap ko fanne khan samajh rahe ho.
Zuckerburg ek site bana kar zabardast se bhi mast raees ho gaya. Tum bus dot com boom aur bust dono mein doosron ki sites par profilein hi banaate reh gaye. Mobile App ke boom mein bhi aap se kuchh khaas ukhadh na paya. Chindi si chaalis paise waali chalti purzi chu... I mean ghatiya apps ke 60 Rupaye de-dekar ab tak hazaaron rupaye doosre developers ko de chuke ho. Samay rehte agar fazool si zero-kaata waali app bhi bana di hoti to ab tak lakhon kama chuke hotey.

Isse pehle ki talent-heen honey ka pallu pakdo, ye sun lo ki aaj insaan ko talented nahin bas minimum denominator pleasing hona kaafi hai. Low hanging fruit yaani neeche latakta phal samjhte ho na ?
Ab us Ranveer Singh ko dekho. I mean mat hi dekho, kyon haazma kharaab karna lekin socho zara. Wo Ameeron ka Raju Srivastava aaj one of top rated ‘actors’ mein hai aur Deepika ka boyfriend ban kar zindagi ke maze le raha hai. Tum yahi sochte reh gaye ki hero banne ke liye Hrithik jaisi body aur Shah Rukh jaisi akal honi chahiye. Saale kuchh 3 kilo wazan kam kar ke chaddi baniyaan ke ad mein bhi photo dalwa dete to shayad koi B Subhash type B grade producer tumhey gunde ka role de hi deta. Kam se kam koshish to karte.

Wo bhi hatao. Suna hai sur ki kuchh samajh hai tumhey aur awaaz bhi bohot buri nahin hai. Jab koi dhinchak pooja blackboard par kaanch ghaseetne si awaaz mein gaakar lakhon kama gayi, tab tum kahaan they be?

Aur kabhi kabhaar likh bhi lete ho tum, hai na? Maana kahin ke Premchand ya Prasoon Joshi nahin lekin vocabulary, sense aur grammar to theek thaak hi laga lete hoge. Ab jao dekho un Bloggers ke followers ko jo copy, paste mein PHD kiye baithe hain.
Nalaayak aaj agar sirf video game khelne ka video bhi daal do to ye akal ke physically challenged youth log aise cheetiyon ki tarah chimadh padhte hain.

Wo bhi jaane do. Aaj har Tom ka Dick aur uski Hairy Ass crypto currency bhaj kar bhaari tadaad mein note bator rahi hai. Tum sochte raho bhaiya ki Bitcoin lene hai ya mine karne hai.

Sachhayi ye hai dost ki tumse na hoga. Na ab tak hua hai aur aise hi rahe to aage bhi na hoga. Ye khula patra ko print kar ke apne aainey (mirror) par laga daalo aur roz subah shaam isse nazarein milao. Socho, samjho, seekho. Quality ke maapdand ko todh daalo aur sheeghra se sheeghratam, cheap se cheaptam kuchh to kar daalo. Khuley patra ko shuruaat hi samjho.